教養孩子,認識快樂 PART 2(Raising children, finding happiness PART 2)

其實一個人快樂不快樂,取決於他承受得到多大的壓力,而對壓力的感受很大程度取決於個人從小所培養的心理抵抗力。

其中個人特質、社會環境和教育等因素,都發揮了部分的影響。

一樣的壓力份量,對有些人就是痛苦不以,有些則是能越挫越勇?

而我們又如何在我們的日常生活中培養孩子邁向第二層次的快樂呢?


重點一:建立有始有終的情境


如果您送孩子去的課後的機構,是如同AKHOschool的機構,請務必與老師討論【協調固定的接送時間】、【每天必須完成的事項】以及【獎勵辦法的一致性】。


【協調固定的接送時間】

是為了方便老師為孩子安排課程時,避免常常上課上到一半,家長就來接的狀況,而讓孩子上完完整的課程時間也是對老師課程安排的尊重,更是有始有終觀念的第一步驟。

如果有計畫需提早接走,也請事先告知孩子以及老師,讓孩子與老師都有心理準備。


【每天必須完成的事項】

每天需完成的事項,需與老師進行協定,目的是讓孩子學習懂的要求自己,例如最基礎的則是:每天必須完成作業才能回家 、必須將個人特別訓練課程上完才能回家。

而每天必須完成的事項,我們也必須讓孩子不管在家裡、學校,都明確的知道,那是他自己的責任,絕對要避免,在必須的責任事項上與孩子做「交易」。


【獎勵辦法的一致性】

AKHOschool有一套模擬小型社會運作的薪水制度,來鼓勵孩子認知自己的責任與義務,並與家長溝通在AKHO賺的薪水,可以用固定匯率來換取自己的零用錢,這套制度目的是整合家庭、教育機構的獎勵辦法,並藉由這套制度,來設立目標,讓孩子透過自己的努力,一步一步達到所設定的目標。


重點二:培養正確的作業與課業自我要求的態度

為了達成這點,需要非常完整的親師【雙向溝通】,並非只是由老師反饋在學校發的狀況或觀察,而家長只是「好的,我知道了,我回家跟他聊聊」,更重要的是後續【一起討論】並【一起做決策】,這樣才能客觀的制定出對孩子最好的教養策略。


藉由家長在家裡的觀察、老師的觀察,我們能更清楚知道孩子在智能、身體、主動性、毅力、創造力、專注力等各方面的能力,才能知道孩子現階段的作業狀態是否盡力了,能達到什麼樣的要求?達不到要求的原因是什麼?


而更重要的是:【跟著學校老師的要求走,不在孩子面前批評老師】、【藉由作業建立孩子自我要求的能力】以及【從學校課業學習中讓孩子找到學習的成就】。

許多學校的教材與課本,現在其實已經設計的非常活潑生動。


在探討學校老師的要求時,我們姑且不論學校的老師要求是否太過「古板或過度嚴格」,建議家長一起與我們給孩子建立「孩子我相信你可以達到老師的要求,現在做不到沒關係,讓我們一起努力」的觀念後,再藉由觀察孩子的長處與短處,設定學習的目標,一步一步的陪孩子達到老師的要求。


家長是孩子的領導者,孩子天生會模仿自己父母的態度、行為來進行對事物的判斷,如果家長對於學校老師的要求、課業態度,都展現出不以為然或不要緊的態度,孩子自然很難從中學習自我要求的態度。

當社會的進步,越來越講求協同合作與跨領域的人才時,一個對事務展現「不以為然」、「不要緊」或者對自己興趣都虎頭蛇尾的孩子,未來要如何有個立足之地?


隨著孩子年齡的成長,我們應該將孩子的獨立性格,從表象會切菜、洗碗、使用玻璃杯子、縫紉,延伸到更深的「心靈層面的獨立」,而這些訓練自然是藉由作業與課業以及多元課程的學習來進行身心靈的訓練。(有些家長則是不讓孩子切菜、洗碗、縫紉、做清潔工作,卻直接跳到心靈層面的獨立,要求孩子的學習態度,其實也是一種矛盾心態)。


重點三:建立一致的教養原則


孩子的行為都是藉由模仿以及觀察來學習,而最接近孩子的觀察與模仿對象,就是父母。當教育原則不ㄧ致時,很容易讓孩子養成不良的應對策略,以及偏差的社會行為。


父母任一方如果因訂下無法兌現的規定,最後卻在孩子面前協助說謊,也是在告訴孩子「說謊沒關係」。而我們也應該避免為孩子訂下自己也無法兌現做到的規定,例如:「你再犯,我以後就不帶你出去玩了」,但是當孩子真的又犯錯時,而我們又真的很難「以後都不帶孩子出去玩時」,就會造成孩子學習到的是「沒有原則」以及「說話不算話沒關係」。


原則一

所以我們在建立教養原則時,應當避免訂下做不到的規定。

因此訂定時,我們應當避免情緒化而定下以「永遠」、「以後都沒有」等難以執行的規則。

原則二

家長雙方、親師之間應當有良好的【雙向溝通】與【尊重專業】。


如AKHOschool就會在觀察到孩子的狀況時,邀請家長進行討論,而雙向溝通的真諦在於老師、家長雙方一起取得教養的共識,才能真正給予孩子客觀且一致性的。


我們也曾遇過較爲不佳的狀況是:當教師發現孩子出現狀況,並邀請家長一起討論引導方針時,家長方就先自行討論並決定執行方案後,只單方面告知家中的決定,並要求教師接受配合方案的擬定,這也是對教育者的專業不尊重的表現。


為了孩子教育的一致性,父母端應該共同學習親師合作與團隊協作的重要性,而教師端則應該更加強溝通的技巧、分析、觀察、團隊協作能力,才能在尊重專業與不失專業中取得良好的平衡。


在共同擬定原則後,親師雙方可以一起擬定孩子的教育目標、獎勵機制,同時也能避免為了讓孩子快速完成作業、專注上課而跟孩子進行「交易」,如此一致的教育準則,才能真正培養出真正懂得「快樂學習」真諦的孩子。


原則三

改變讚美方式:讚美努力和用心,不過度讚美聰明,停止告訴孩子他們很特別。


生活中每件事情都需要努力,當一個五歲的幼兒進入幼稚園,過去五年,他在生活中不斷聽到「你好聰明」、「你是很好的畫家」、「你是超級厲害的足球員」,想像一下當他發現其實每個人表現都和他差不多時的心情。


他不斷被告知自己聰明又擅長某些事情,但是在他的內心深處、在他腦袋某處的迴路,卻很清楚自己真的與其他人沒有什麼不同。


這些矛盾的事實,滋養了不安全感、恐懼和羞愧等感受,而這個孩子將因此會因為害怕失敗而避免挑戰。


這個過程與結果,是不是很熟悉呢?


小改變會帶來大影響

也許看完,許多爸爸媽媽會覺得:「天阿!教育孩子好難!我們該如何使用並運用這些原則呢?」


但是相信我們,如果我們開始從家裡開始執行一小步,就會明白做一些小改變,而這個小改變,更會產生巨大的影響,尤其在越小的孩子身上更明顯。


每個孩子都有天賦

回到「快樂學習」。


「韌性」正是能不能培養出孩子快樂學習的重要關鍵,畢竟在學習過程中,不可能都不出現挫折,更不可能讓孩子永遠只有「快樂」的一面。


引導這一切的核心也必須建立在「每個孩子都具有特殊的資質與能力」這個信念上,藉此從生活中、課程中、挑戰中,去培養出孩子的韌性。


兒童暨青少年心理學家Georg Kormann 也強調:「我們必須保持嚴謹的態度。因社會環境的不同,某些可以增進韌性的因素也可能在個案中造成負面的影響。對於在貧困環境裡長大的青少年,較為嚴格的教育往往可以保護他們免於行為偏差及逞兇鬥狠。對於父母心理較不穩定的青少年,同樣的教育方式就不適用在他們身上」。


而這些,正也是AKHOschool,強調「親師合作」最重要的原因了。


停止餵養孩子的「感官」快樂吧!

過度追求感官快樂的孩子,在中年級時,通常會開始面臨很深的挫折,此時,我們是要選擇讓孩子繼續快樂?還是亡羊補牢呢?


就有待父母的智慧了。



Whether a person is happy or unhappy depends on how much pressure he feels, and how much he pressure he feels depends on the psychological stress resistance that an individual has cultivated since childhood.

Factors such as personal characteristics, social environment, and education all play a part.

So while the same amount of stress might be overly painful for some, others might actually grow from the experience?


And how should we cultivate children to find the second level of happiness in our daily life?


Key point number one: establish an environment that has a beginning and an end


If the after school where you send your children to is a similar institution as AKHOschool, please be sure to discuss with the teacher about the [Consensual fixed pick-up time], [Things that must be completed every day] and [Consistency of incentives],[Consensual fixed pick-up time].


It makes it easier for teachers to arrange lessons for the children, and avoid the situation where parents pick up their children halfway through the class, letting children complete the entire lesson is respecting the teacher’s lesson arrangements and also the first step to implementing the idea of finishing what was started.


If you plan to pick up your children early, please inform your children and the teacher in advance so that your children and the teacher can be mentally prepared.


[Things that must be completed every day]

You must agree with the teacher on the things that must be completed every day. The purpose is to let your children learn to set standards for themselves. For example, the most basic is that you must complete your homework every day to go home, and you must complete your special training course to go home.


We must let the child know clearly, whether at home or school, that the tasks that must be done are his responsibility. And what must be avoided is to "transact" with the child on these necessary responsibilities.


[Consistency of incentives]

AKHOschool has a salary system that simulates the operation of a small society, this system is used to encourage children to recognize their responsibilities and obligations.


We communicate with parents about using a fixed exchange rate to convert AKHO salary to real money, letting their children earn their allowance. The purpose of this system is to integrate the reward methods of family and educational institutions. To set goals using this system, allowing children to achieve their set goals step by step through their own efforts.


Key point number two: Cultivate the correct attitude for doing homework and assignments


To achieve this, a very complete [two-way communication] between parents and teachers is necessary, not just the teacher giving feedback of the children’s situation or the observations made in the school, with the parents saying: “OK, I understand, I ’ll keep an eye out when we go home”. The more important thing is to [discuss together] and [make decisions together] so that we can objectively work out the best parenting strategy for your children.


Through the parents observations at home and the teachers' observations at school, we can understand the children's abilities in intelligence, physical skills, initiative, perseverance, creativity, concentration, etc, and then we can know whether the children's current working state is at it’s best, how much can we ask of the child? What are the reasons for not meeting the requirements made?


And more importantly: [Follow the school teacher's requests, don't criticize the teacher in front of the child], [Build the child's ability to require of himself on homework], and [Let the child find success from school work].


The textbooks and teaching materials of many schools are designed to be very lively already.


When discussing the requirements made by school teachers, let’s leave the matter of whether the school teacher’s request is too “old-fashioned” or not aside for now. We recommend that parents work with us to establish this mindset: “child, I believe you can meet the teacher’s requirements, It’s okay if you can’t do it now, but let’s work on it together”. Afterward, by observing the child's strengths and weaknesses and setting learning goals, we can meet the teacher’s requirements with the child step by step.


Parents are the children's leaders. Children are born to imitate their parents' attitudes and behaviors and give judgment accordingly. If parents show a dismissive or irrelevant attitude towards the requirements of school teachers and schoolwork, it is naturally difficult for children to learn the self-requiring attitude from them.


As society progresses, more and more emphasis is placed on collaboration and cross-discipline. How can a child who has an attitude of ”disregard", “I don’t care”, or isn't even serious about his passion find a foothold in the future?


As the child grows older, we should extend the child’s independent character from just appearance (cutting vegetables, washing dishes, using glass cups, sewing) to a deeper “psychological level of independence”, and naturally, these training are done through assignments and homeschool, as well as multi-disciplinary learning, to train the mind, body, and soul. (Some parents do not allow their children to cut vegetables, wash dishes, sew, and do cleaning work, instead they jump straight to the independent training of the spiritual level, requiring of their children’s learning attitude, which is a contradictory mentality).


Key point number three: Establishing consistent parenting principles


Children's behaviors are learned through imitation and observation, and the most influential people the children observe and imitate are parents. When education principles are not consistent, it is easy for children to develop bad coping strategies and deviated social behaviors.


If either parent sets a rule that cannot be fulfilled, resulting in lying in front of the child, it is also teaching the child that "it is okay to lie." And we should avoid making rules for children that we can’t stick to, such as: “If you do it one more time, I will never buy gifts for you again in the future", but when the child does try it one more time, it is really difficult for us to ”never buy gifts for him again”, therefore it will cause children to learn that ”principles don't matter" and “words don't matter”.


Principle one

So, when establishing the principles of parenting, we should avoid making rules that cannot be carried out.


Therefore, we should avoid setting difficult rules that are decided emotionally, such as saying words like: ”forever" and "never in the future".


Principle two

There should be good [two-way communication] and [respect of profession] between parents and teachers.


For example, AKHOschool will invite parents to discuss when observing the situation of the child, and the true meaning of two-way communication lies in the consensus on education between parents and teachers, to truly give children what is objective and consistent.


We have also encountered a relatively bad situation: when the teacher discovers the child's problem, and informs and invites the parents to a group discussion, beforehand, the parents discuss and decide to implement a plan, and unilaterally inform the contents of the made decision and asks the teacher to accept and cooperate with the plan, this is also a form of disrespect towards the professionalism of the educator.


For the consistency of the children's education, the parent's side should learn the importance of parent-teacher cooperation and teamwork, while the teacher's side should strengthen their communication, analysis, observation, and teamwork skills to keep the balance between respecting the profession and maintaining the profession.


After formulating the principles, both parents and teachers can work together to formulate the children's educational goals and reward mechanisms. At the same time avoiding “transaction” with the children to allow them to complete their homework quickly. raising children who understand the true meaning of "happy learning".


Principle three

Change the way of complementing: Complement the children for working hard and a good heart, don't overly praise them for being smart, stop telling children that they are special.


Everything in life requires hard work. When a five-year-old child enters kindergarten, and for the past five years he has constantly heard “you are so smart", "you are a good painter", "you are a super great soccer player”, Imagine how he felt when he realized that everyone actually performs just as good as him.


He was constantly told that he was smart and good at certain things, but in his heart, in the circuit somewhere inside his head, it was clear that he was really no different from the others.


These conflicting facts feed the feelings of insecurity, fear, and shame, and the child will avoid challenges because of the fear of failure.


Are this process and result very familiar?


Small changes can make a big difference

Maybe after reading this, many parents will think, "Oh my God! It's hard to educate children! How can we use and apply these principles?"


But believe us, if we start to take a small step from our home, we will understand that some small changes can be made, and this small change will have a huge impact, especially for younger children.


Every child has a talent

Back to "Happy Learning."


“Resilience” is the key to whether children can learn happily. After all, in the process of learning, it is impossible to avoid all setbacks, and children can't have only the facet of being ”happy”.


The core to implementing all of this must also be based on the belief that "each child has special qualities and abilities", to cultivate the children's resilience from life, curriculum, and schoolwork.


Child and adolescent psychologist Georg Kormann also emphasized: "We must maintain a rigorous attitude. Depending on the social environment, certain factors that can increase resilience may also have a negative impact on individual cases. For adolescents growing up in poverty more stringent education can often protect them from behavioral deviations and fierce fighting. For adolescents whose parents are more unstable, the same education method does not apply to them”.


And these are exactly the reasons why AKHOschool emphasizes "parent-teacher cooperation".


Stop feeding your children “sensory” happiness!

Children who are overly pursuing sensory happiness usually start to face deep setbacks in the third grade. Now, do we choose to keep the children happy? Or make up for it?


It is up to the wisdom of the parents.

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