教養孩子,認識快樂 PART 1(Raising children, finding happiness PART 1)

最近在引導孩子時,也跟家長討論了一些關於「快樂學習」的議題。


關於「快樂學習」,許多人對於AKHOschool(或體制外教育機構)的想像,都有很大的誤解,這些誤解大致來說就是【快樂=放縱】,或者又該說【快樂=不給孩子壓力】。

的確是有著部分家長憑藉著對於「快樂學習」的想像,將孩子送來AKHO,但也因此我們有了更多機會跟家長分享何謂「快樂學習」。


人生追求快樂,有兩種不同的層次:

第一種層次是「感官」的層次,諸如:吃飯、打電動、聽音樂、出去玩樂等等不需要付出更多的時間與努力就能達到的快樂。


第二種是「意識」層次的快樂,是一種願意在自己很有熱情的事物上設定目標,並願意花很多時間去達成,例如為了畫出一幅自己內心構思很久的畫作,廢寢忘食不怕吃苦,或者為了達到三千公尺11分鐘以內的目標,願意做長期的努力訓練,都是為了達到自己所設定的目標,這種快樂是最真實的。


而我們對於「快樂學習」的定義及教育目標,正是以第二種「意識」層次的快樂為目標。

那我們該如何避免「快樂學習」只停留在第一層次呢?


讓我們以這三年來進行教育研究與觀察時的案例作為探討:

Alyssa是個內心對於許多事情有憧憬的孩子,活潑,喜歡手作、與朋友分享,但是在AKHO的引導時,我們與孩子常常在訓練孩子的「韌性」方面卡關,隨著年紀增長,叛逆性的助長下,當面對挫折、老師的要求時,對於學校老師的對立性也越來越明顯。


從家庭訪談中,孩子在其他教育機構的才藝課程學習,也是呈現「虎頭蛇尾」的狀況。


由於一年級時的初始課程,我們偏重於感官的刺激,但在孩子慢慢邁向2年級、3年級時,我們的課程以及環境規則,也漸漸的將目標放在培養孩子有更多的「等待」、「自我準備」、「深度思考」。


而在這些瓶頸中,我們也跟家長一起調查歸納出幾個原因:


原因一:沒有讓孩子建立有始有終的習慣


在AKHO,我們有很明確的課程時間表,但是Alyssa常常在課程、或寫功課進行到一半時,家人就來接了,若遇到喜歡的課程,孩子會要求家長讓他留下來完成,但是若遇到不喜歡的課程或者有更大的「玩」的誘因,孩子就會馬上收拾書包回家。


表面上,這似乎是很尊重孩子「意願」的做法,但是卻也為孩子留了「逃避」的路徑,長期下來,孩子一遇到要挑戰的事物,往往選擇了「收拾書包回家」。


而這樣的「快樂學習」,往往帶著孩子學習了逃避,那麼虎頭蛇尾的學習態度,甚至出現排斥為他設立要求目標的老師,就是必然的結果了。


原因二:沒有培養對於課業應有的健康態度。


同上問題的延伸,這次則是延伸於課業上,但是若能於功課寫作的態度要求上父母、學校老師要求一致,孩子的習慣也許能夠慢慢的改善。


但是當孩子在課業上遇到老師的要求以及不會的問題時,父母態度不一致,例如:「沒關係我不要求成績」、「沒關係,有寫完就好」,原本逃避習慣的個性又會再更加強化。


若父母沒有跟著老師一起要求孩子「面對問題」時,孩子在此時所學的則是敷衍以及逃避的態度,而我們也應該要避免在孩子面前說老師的不是,因為讓孩子對老師產生敵意對學習是沒有幫助的,這也會造就孩子在面對教導、要求時,面對的態度不是思考,而是「罵不得」「要求不得」的學習態度。


而當孩子對於學校課業的態度是處於「麻煩事」的態度,在未來,只要知識的學習越來越難,孩子就會覺得「麻煩」,如果孩子一直持續這樣的態度,未來有哪一種知識不是越來愈繁雜呢?學習動機又該怎麼出來呢?


原因三:教養原則不一致


在觀察中,我們也觀察到父母在約束孩子的原則上,會有一方嚴格要求,而另一方則是「放水」,甚至在孩子犯錯時,選擇幫孩子隱瞞。


父母是孩子出生至成人階段,第一位模仿的「領導者」,當這位領導者,開始示範事情做不到的時後,可以「說謊」來逃避時,孩子也會開始在各方面「應用所學」。


原因四:用「交易」來要求孩子完成事情


訪談過程中,探討到孩子在家寫作業時,有一套「很有效」的引導方法,這套方式就是:「趕快完成作業,完成了阿公帶你出去逛夜市」「趕快完成作業,完成了媽媽讓你打電動」「今天趕快完成,週六爸爸媽媽帶你出去玩」。


教育不是「交易」, 當孩子養成「以物易物」的教育模式時,就會養成一種「我完成這個有什麼好處」「沒有好處,那我慢慢來」的作業態度,這種「交易」模式或許可以「立即見效」,但是很快的孩子就會麻痺,除非家長提供了更好的「交換物」,更嚴重的是孩子無法意識到自己的該負的責任。


上述這些原因,都是綜合了三年的觀察與不同家庭所觀察到的狀況,也是對「快樂學習」最深刻的誤解,怕孩子不快樂,孩子得到的不是更深層的成就快樂,而是短暫的感官快樂,我們知道每個父母都希望自己的孩子快樂,可是當孩子的挫折忍受能力、抗壓性極低時,這樣孩子未來真的能一直快樂下去嗎?


延伸閱讀:

教養孩子,認識快樂-part-2(raising-children-finding-happiness-part-2)


Recently, while I was leading the children, I also got to discuss the subject of "happy learning" with parents.


Regarding "happy learning", many people have great misunderstandings about AKHOschool (or educational institutions outside the system). These misunderstandings roughly have the same idea: [happiness = indulgence], or [happiness = zero pressure on children].


Some parents indeed send their children to AKHO with the imagination of "happy learning", but because of so we have had more opportunities to share with parents what "happy learning" really is.


There are two different levels in the pursuit of happiness in life:


The first level is the level of "sensory", such as eating, playing video games, listening to music, going out and having fun, etc. A happiness that doesn’t need extra time and effort.

The second level of happiness is the level of "consciousness". It is a willingness to set goals on things that you are passionate about and willing to spend a lot of time to achieve these goals. For example: skip sleep and meals to finish a painting you’ve longed to create, or, to reach the goal of running three thousand meters in less than 11 minutes, you’re willing to do long-term hard training, all to achieve the goal set by yourself, this is the real kind of happiness.


And our definition and educational goal of "happy learning" are precisely identical with the second level of happiness, the level of "consciousness".


So how do we avoid "happy learning" only at the first level?


Let us take the case of educational research and observation in the past three years as an example:

Alyssa is a child with a longing for many things. She is lively and likes to make handcrafts and love playing. However, under the guidance of AKHO, we often check the "resilience" of a child. As children grow older and are going through the rebellious stage, their opposition towards school teachers becomes increasingly apparent when in the face of setbacks and the demands of teachers.


From the family interviews, we understand that the children's learning situations in other educational institutions also show a lot of loose ends.


We focus mainly on sensory stimulations during the initial curriculum in first grade, but as the children slowly move towards the second and third grades, our curriculum and environmental rules also gradually require children to have more "waiting", "self preparing" and "deep thinking".


Among these obstacles, we worked with the parents to investigate and managed to summarize several reasons:


Reason one: There is no established habit in the children to finish what they started.


At AKHO, we have a clear schedule of lessons, but Alyssa is often picked up by her family halfway through lessons or doing homework. If it’s a course the child likes, the child will ask the parent to let him stay to complete it, but if it’s a course they don’t like or have other incentives to go “play” instead, the child will pack his schoolbag and head home immediately.


On the surface, this seems to be respecting the "will" of the child, but it also leaves the choice for the child to "avoid" learning. In the long run, when the child encounters something challenging, he will often choose to "pack his schoolbag and head home."

And such "happy learning" often teaches the child to avoid learning, making the learning attitude of the child horrible, sometimes even resulting in despisal of the teacher who tries to set up goals for him, this is the inevitable result of avoiding learning.


Reason two: No cultivation of a healthy attitude towards schoolwork.


Just like how the problem above is extended, this time it is extended towards schoolwork, if the parents and school teachers have the same standards for the child’s attitude of doing homework, the child's habits may gradually improve.


But if when the child is trying to meet the teacher's requests or has a problem that they can’t solve, and the parents' attitudes are inconsistent as the teachers, such as: "It doesn't matter, I don't require good grades", "It doesn't matter, as long as you finish your homework", then their habit of avoiding learning will be further strengthened.


If the parents do not ask the child to "face the problem" alongside with the teacher, then what the child is learning is a perfunctory attitude. We should also avoid criticizing the teacher in front of the child, because even worse than a perfunctory attitude is the attitude of "hostility towards the teacher", which will also cause the child to become “unable to follow commands” and have "low tolerance for correction“, instead of being "contemplative" when in face of the guidance and demands of the teacher.


And when the child sees schoolwork as “troublesome”, in the future, as the learning of knowledge becomes more and more difficult, the child will feel “troublesome”. If the child continues this attitude, what will he learn? what kind of knowledge isn’t getting more complicated? How would any learning motivation develop?


Reason 3: Inconsistent parenting principles


We also observed that when a child faces a parent's request, one side will be strict on the matter, while the other side will “spoil” the child. To the point where when the child makes a mistake, he/she will even lie to help the child with the matter.

Starting from birth to adulthood, parents are the first "leaders" their children imitate from. And when the leader starts to demonstrate that he can't do certain things, and he chooses to "lie" to avoid the problem, then the children will start to “apply” what he has learned from the leader.


Reason 4: Use "transactions" to ask your children to complete things


During the interview, it was discussed that there is a "very effective" method of guiding children when they are doing homework at home. This method is: "finish your homework quickly and grandfather will take you to the night market”, "complete your homework quickly and Mom will let you play video games”, "complete your homework today, and Mom and Dad will take you out on Saturday."


Education is not a "transaction". When a child develops a "bartering" education model, he will develop an attitude of "what good can I get by doing this” and “if it doesn’t benefit me, then I will take my time”. This “transaction” may bring "immediate effect", but the child will soon be numb unless if the parents can provide a better “trade”, and more importantly, the child will not be able to figure out and take up their responsibility.


All of the reasons above are a result of three years of observation, the observations of the different situations of each family. Discovering the most profound misunderstanding of "happy learning". Fearing that your children are unhappy, resulting in your children finding not profound happiness, but transient “sensory” happiness. We know that every parent wants his child to be happy, but when the child's frustration tolerance and pressure resistance are extremely low, will the child really be happy in the future?



PART2: 教養孩子,認識快樂-part-2(raising-children-finding-happiness-part-2)


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